The Fashion Police
by Tamlin
Summary: AVALANCH plots to get Tifa a new wardrobe before her old one kills them. Rated for Cid's mouth.


Disclaimer: Final Fantasy it the property of Square Enix/ Square Soft. I do not own Final Fantasy VII, and I while I am a fan of watching fashion shows, this is a mix of all the most spoofable parts of various shows. It is not intended to match any one show, nor is the fashion advice given anything but a spoof. If there is any, any part of this that resembles one certain show that you know of, it is purely coincidental, and you really should find a better show to watch…

AN: Just a note to clarify: Hojo has odd opinions. I do not share them.

**The Fashion Police**

By Tamlin

* * *

**Tifa**

The giant turtle fell over with a last gurgle and Cloud happily swung his sword in his victory salute. Vincent twirled his gun, holstering it and trying desperately not to look to his right.

_No I will not look. I will not…Oh hell…_

He looked, and as he knew, before his eyes and hormones betrayed him, there was Tifa in the middle of a kitteny little stretch. Her tight shirt riding up to expose the bottom curve of her breasts, her already taunt stomach muscles quivering, her already too tight shorts inching up a bit more to show more of the tantalizing curve of her buttocks. He also noted Cloud looking, their fearless leader appreciating the sight of Tifa's orgasmic pleasure in beating the shit out of the planet's creatures.

Vincent hurriedly looked away as Tifa, with a pleased, post-coital smile on her face, turned to Cloud. Cloud of course blinked mindlessly at his female comrade, which proved he wasn't as stupid as he first looked. Vincent had that figured out the second time he'd fought in battle with Tifa and she nearly ripped his metal arm off and beat him with it when she noticed him looking at her during her victory dance, while Cloud blinked curelessly to one side. And he wasn't the only one. Cid had come back with strange bruises a few weeks ago and now refused to leave the Highwind, Nanaki hid under beds when exploration teams got selected, and Barret had gotten into the habit of involuntarily flinching if Tifa made any sudden moves.

Of all the men, only Cloud was safe. Cloud's vapid looks protected him. He could plaster on a completely brainless expression and get away with gaping at Tifa without suffering even the slightest of frowns. Add a few detours to places where monsters hung out, all in the name of looking for Sephiroth of course, and Cloud could get his training and his voyeuristic jollies all at once.

_Someone needs to do something about this before Cloud gets us all killed, or Tifa annihilates all the males of AVALANCHE._

Vincent shrugged his cape closer to his thin frame and turned towards where the Highwind was settled amongst the dry winter grasses of northern Wuitai. He didn't care if Cloud wanted to continue looking for his enemy on the beaches, hills, mountains, and any out of the way burg that they flew over. He was finished for the day. Cloud could find someone else to drag around while he got his thrills, and Tifa wiggled in ecstasy every time she killed something.

He tiredly climbed up the ladder to the Highwind's deck and stalked into the ship, ignoring the sound of Tifa climbing up the ladder behind him. Of course Cloud, being the leader, and responsible for the protection of all the members of AVALANCHE climbed up behind her. To protect her from rear assaults.

_Why doesn't she smack __**him**__? Can't she figure out... _He paused, picturing Cloud standing looking like a chocobo that had taken one too many hits to the head. _No, probably not…_

He skulked along till he came to the Highwind's common dining room. Cid was in the corner with a paper, his ever present haze of smoke, and a cup of tea. The tip of a fiery tail could be seen poking out from under the table. Aeris and Yuffie were a few tables away looking through a pile of magazines, occasionally pointing out an article or picture to one another. Vincent hesitated a moment, then with a resigned sigh, went in.

_For the good of…well, our non-pummeled existence…we all need to talk._

"Hey, Vince." Cid didn't even look up from his paper. "See you made it back alive."

Vincent didn't play stupid. There was no point. "She didn't catch me looking."

Cid snorted sending a sweet smelling puff of smoke to float dreamily above the rim of the paper.

"How much more training do we need? Cloud is now strong enough to bench press the Highwind." Vincent sat down, careful not to step on the wolf-cat cowering under the table.

"Hell, Aeris can now bench press the Highwind." Cid gestured with his tea cup to where the flower girl was sitting.

Aeris nodded in greeting then flexing one slender, delicate arm casually reached over and lifted the table next to her, a metal table with attached metal seats with four burly crewmembers sitting on those seats, off the ground with one hand. The crew members squawked in protest till she lowered it back down.

"Don't do that. You'll scuff the floor." Cid muttered taking a sip of his tea.

"We need to do something." A muffled voice from under the Cid's table commented.

"And ruin Cloud's fun?" Yuffie came over and perched on the tabletop.

Aeris settled in the seat next to Vincent. "I agree with Nanaki, something has to be done."

Vincent nodded. "Agreed."

"You're not going to be able to convince the kid to give up his hobby." Cid looked over the edge of his newspaper at them. "Not with the incentives he's got bouncing in his face."

"What really gets me is, Tifa doesn't even realize what she's doing. She thinks she's just being fashionable." Yuffie snorted.

"Fashion my ass." Barret's voice grumbled.

They all looked up as the burly ex-leader of AVALANCHE cautiously edged into the room, sidled across one wall, and sat down across from them. His dark eyes darted around, nervously scanning the room.

"She's been wearing the same fuckin' thing for years." Barret looked at his friends with a slightly paranoid glint in his eyes. "She thinks it's what a kick boxer's supposed to wear."

"Never seen a kick boxer wear that before." Cid finally put the paper down, to look at them, "Where did she hear that?"

"Her master." Barret shrugged.

"Her master! What kinda weirdo was he?" Yuffie slipped off the table and thumped herself down in a seat.

Barret shrugged again. "I dunno. Used to wear a cape."

"Sick pervert." Yuffie grumbled then jumped as she realized that Vincent was glaring at her. "Not that people wearing capes are sick perverts…uhmmm…What I meant was that he obviously had no fashion sense….ahhh… I meant to say… he obviously didn't know how to… "

"Give it up kid. You're only digging yourself in deeper." Cid leaned his elbow against the table, puffing on a cigarette.

"Plenty of room left under the table." Nanaki offered.

"I think, what Yuffie was trying to say was that the man didn't know how to give fashion advice to young women." Aeris gently patted Vincent's clenched metal hand. "And poor Tifa is mistakenly thinks she is dressing properly."

"Poor us you mean." Cid flicked the now finished butt of his cigarette into a nearby bin. "One of you girls needs to talk to her."

"Won't work." Barret muttered. "Jessie tried that." He looked around suspiciously. "Ended up livin' in the cellar."

"Living in a cellar! What kind of pathetic loser lives in a…" Yuffie cringed in her seat as Vincent growled. "I mean…uuhhhh…Nice choice. Cellars are really nice places. They're quiet, and cozy and the rats are always there to keep you company, and…Oh fuck, just shoot me." She slumped under the table with a whimper.

"Okay, so what we need is someone else to explain to her that her fashion is…in need of an update." Aeris reached under the table and patted Yuffie reassuringly.

"Someone expendable." Barret got up edging for the door as footsteps approached the dining area.

"Howdie do!" Cait Sith bounced in nearly sending Barret sprawling on the floor in shock. The stuffed cat peered at the large man with an evil grin. "You be lookin' a might peaked there."

"Talkin' about Tifa's clothes." Cid pulled his cigarette pack from his head band and pulled out a fresh smoke. "It's makin' him nervous."

"Ah, fair Tifa and her lovely shirt." Cait Sith clasped his tiny paws and looked dreamily away. "How I love that shirt."

"Yeah, easy for you to say. Your real self is sitting safe in Midgar. Come over here and appreciate that shirt." Yuffie yelled from under the table.

Cait shrugged. "Sorry lass, I got work to do. Someone's got ta keep Rufus from getting all frisky with cannons."

"This still doesn't solve the problem." Aeris pulled Cait off his mog to sit in her lap. "We need to get Tifa some fashion advice before…"

"She kills us all and we never live to find Sephiroth." Vincent finished for her.

"Hey, I gotta idea." Cid puffed thoughtfully. "Why not tell Tifa to join Sephiroth's side? Tell her she's infiltrating the enemy base or somethin'. Betcha in a few weeks he's either got the Jenova smacked out of him, or Tifa'll be wearin' something else."

"I don't think Cloud will go for that." Nanaki poked his nose up to comment. "He seems rather attached to her."

"I think he's more attached to Sephiroth." Aeris pursed her lips thoughtfully, "Or am I the only one to notice he's rather obsessed with the man in more than a he's-my-enemy sort of way."

"Yeah, the kid's got it bad." Cid nodded. "Thought he was with you for awhile, but the way he goes on… I figure he just likes it both ways. And while Sephiroth is off having quality time with his mom…"

"Tifa and her lovely shirt are the boy's reason for living?" Cait rubbed a paw across his nose. "The lad's got problems."

"Well, we've got problems too. Tifa's the one who's being used as eye candy, and Vinnie, Cid, Barret and Nanaki are getting nervous habits." Yuffie poked her nose up next to Nanaki's. "Or hasn't anyone noticed that Cid's been smoking odd cigarettes lately."

Everyone turned to Cid, who looked guilty. "What?! That Wutain guy said they were good for the nerves."

"Our problem is Tifa and her clothes, not Cid and his funny cigarettes." Aeris bravely dragged the conversation back on track. "If we solve the problem of Tifa's …ahmm… fashion taste, then we won't have to deal with nervous habits they seem to inspire."

"The lass has a point there." Cait bapped Yuffie on the nose with the tip of his tail, causing the young ninja to sneeze. "And I think I know the perfect people to help…"

00

"Hello, I'm Mitch and this is my co-host…" The young blond model posed dramatically against the artsy interior of a café wall. His teeth gleaming in the trendy gloom as he posed dramatically in a trendy version of a police uniform.

The scene shifted to a perky model with spiky blond hair who smiled gleefully from her seat on one of the café's stools. A police uniform consisting of a mini skirt, tons of bright glittery buttons, and a rakishly cocked police hat lovingly cuddling to all her curves. "…Mindy and this is _The Fashion Police_. Today we are going to introduce you to one of the Fashion Police's choice for the worst dressed women on the planet. Prepare yourself folks, the outfits this one wears are leathal."

Mitch waved one elegant hand towards a monitor set in one of the walls of the café. "This is Tifa Lockheart, one of the brave people who are trying to save the planet from Jenova."

Tifa appeared standing on the deck of the Highwind, her long hair blowing in the wind.

"With the help of her friends. We've been secretly investigating our suspect for three weeks now, getting special video footage of her fashion faux pas." Mitch smoothed his perfect silky blond hair back with a laugh as Tifa showed up on the monitor bent over wiping up after Yuffie's airsickness, her tiny shorts riding up.

"And believe you me, there is a lot of faux in her pas." Mindy shook her stiffly coifed hair in mock dismay and made a small dismissive wave with a manicured hand.

"Her friends were so appalled by her fashion sense, they wouldn't even be seen on camera." Mitch cooed showing a shadowy figure on a TV monitor that was easily identified by its flaming tail. The shadowy wolf-cat looked around in panic as it realized it was being filmed and fled from the screen. "They didn't want anyone to know they had the hideous bad fortune of associating with our suspect."

"But never fear. Her fashion sense is about to change from…" Mindy motioned to another monitor where Tifa was patching a bullet hole in the dinning hall's wall looking irritated while a guilty looking Barret shuffled uneasily in the background. "bimbo to beautiful."

"Let's look at her closet," Mitch smiled a perfect, white smile, "to find more evidence."

Cloud appeared on the screen looking terrified. "Ah, well…uhm… this is Tifa's closet. I'm not supposed to be in here. If she finds out…" He looked frantically around for an escape, but the sound of a gun being cocked off screen seemed to restore his courage. He shakily held up a pair of microscopic black shorts with suspenders. "Uh…this is Tifa's favorite shorts."

"Suspenders on shorts?" Mindy shook her spiky head. "The suspenders are bigger then the shorts." She melodramatically pressed her wrist to her forehead. "There ought to be a law."

"Wow." Mitch gaped at the monitor. "There's actually someone over the age of five living on the planet that can fit into those shorts?!"

They smiled sympathetically at each other then turned back to the screen. Onscreen, Cloud got prodded by a long spear, causing him to jump. "Uhm, these are Tifa's shirts." He held up a group of identical, postage stamp sized, white shirts. "She really likes them."

"Dear Planet, does she really wear that?" Mindy gasped.

Footage of Tifa wiggling in pleasure after pummeling a monster to death flashed on the screen. Mitch's jaw dropped to the floor.

On the monitor, Cloud seemed to be trying to escape, but boot hit him in the head. Cloud picked it up and held it up to the camera. "These are Tifa's shoes."

"Oh tell me she isn't wearing combat boots." Mitch dramatically covered his eyes.

"Clearly, this woman is breaking every law known to fashion." Mindy shook her head in despair.

Mitch stood up whipping on a stylishly designed police coat. "Let's go."

0.0

Tifa walked through the Highwind looking for her teammates. They were conspicuously absent. Things had been strange around the ship for he last few weeks with odd people popping up with video equipment in very odd places. She wasn't sure she believed the explanation of filming a training video for new crew members, and today she'd seen some people hauling large mirror aboard. Considering who she was flying around the planet with, she felt justifiably nervous. Bahamut alone knew what that lot had gotten into now.

"Cid? Cloud?"

She heard a muffled thump from the meeting room.

"Cloud? Yuffie? Aeris?" She approached the door listening.

The thump sounded again, this time with a desperate whimper. She braced herself, wondering what disaster had occurred. Monsters? Sephiroth? Turks? When she opened that door what would she find? Yuffie trying to give Nanaki a perm?

She slid to the side and triggered the door to open. As soon as the door began to move, the thumping and whimpering intensified. She peeked in, quickly scanning the area for enemies or ninjas with hair products. Nothing seemed out of order, but the sounds of panic increased.

She shifted her stance cautiously, keeping low as she entered the room. Nothing happened. She looked around warily spotting something moving under the table. She knelt down.

"Cloud?"

The blond was cringing under the table, trussed in pink, fluffy bondage gear. He looked at her in panic. "They made me do it! It's not my fault, Tifa. Vincent shot at me! Don't kill me! Please don't kill me…" Cloud babbled as he wiggled under the table desperately trying to get away.

"What the hell?" Tifa stood up, leaving Cloud to whimper quietly.

Suddenly two of the most idiotically dressed people Tifa had ever seen stepped into the room followed by a camera crew. They were dressed in bad copies of police uniforms, only made with the finest silk, cut to show off slim, stylish bodies, and with a multitude of glittery accessories.

The blond man smiled sunnily, "Hi, Tifa. I'm Mitch and this is Mindy."

The woman gave an equally sunny smile, "You're on _The Fashion Police_, and you're under arrest."

Mitch came over to her and threw a companionable arm around her shoulders. "Your friends called us, begging us, with tears in their eyes, to come to you and help you with your wardrobe."

_Oh, they're going to have more than tears in their eyes, when I find them._ Tifa glowered.

Mindy sighed, brushing away a false tear as she came and gave Tifa a hug. "They said you've been wearing the same thing for years. That fashion has taken a back seat in your life to saving the world from Jenova."

Mitch turned to her looking deeply into her eyes. "As part of the thankful public, we can't stand to see you sacrifice your inner beauty for our needs."

"So, let's look at some of the evidence we've taped of you for the last three weeks." Mindy breezily waved to the large screen that lowered itself down from the ceiling as she smiled into the camera. "And it has revealed to us there are more horrible things going on then just Jenova."

"What the hell?!" Tifa wiggled, trying to free herself from Mitch's clutches. _I'm going to hunt them down and make them pay. Yuffie's probably up in the…_

"Tifa, do what they say. Cid has all your gloves and he says he'll soak them in Heaven Scent if you don't go along with this." Cloud called from under the table.

Tifa's eyes widened. "Kiddie perfume? He'll do what? When I get my hands on Cid…"

"Wow. Look at that!" Mitch gasped as a video of Tifa scraping one of Nanaki's furballs off the main deck flashed on the screen. "Tell me, are those short legal?"

"I think they've been banned in Wutai." Mindy commented, batting her eyelashes coyly. "Or at least they should be."

Tifa blinked as the camera focused on her scantily clad back end. "Hey!"

"Oh, and here's another." Mitch smiled at the camera.

Mindy arched one slender eyebrow in astonishment as Tifa appeared struggling to pull Yuffie's armor out of the dryer. This time the camera lovingly zoomed in on her chest. As her onscreen self struggled and cursed the bulky arm protector, a sudden censor line flashed across her chest.

"Oh dear, this is a family show." Mindy tittered.

"Whoa there. Where's the halter for those fillies?" Mitch whistled.

"Argh. Get…" Tifa wrenched herself away.

"Heaven Scent." Cloud called desperately from under the table.

Tifa snarled a moment, considered whether she could get the perfume out of her leather gloves, and if not whether she could live with the headache inspiring scent of kiddie au d' toilet.

Realizing it was hopeless, she slumped. "Cid, you are so dead."

Mindy grinned over at the camera brushing her hair back in an artsy gesture, nearly lacerating her fingers on the stiff spikes. "Let's see what the public has to say about this."

A picture of a street corner with a lot of people walking around appeared on the screen. On the side of a building an immense monitor suddenly started showing video footage of Tifa doing her victory dance over the body of a giant lizard. Everyone pointed. Mother's hid their children's eyes. Young men stood staring with open mouthed awe, then suddenly covered their crotches and looked around guiltily. A few cars on the street swerved erratically.

A young man with chocolaty skin and bright eyes darted from behind the camera and grabbed a passing mother. "Excuse me. Would you mind commenting on the pictures on the video monitor?"

The woman made a disgusted face. "The things they allow! Old President Shinra would never allow such trash to be shown in public!"

"What advice would you give that young woman up there?" The interviewer grinned, showing perfect, pearly white teeth.

"Put some clothes on!" The woman gathered her young son that was still gaping at the monitor and dragged him away.

The interviewer grabbed a passing business man. "Excuse me. What do you think of the pictures in the video?"

The man smiled. "Now that's my kind of lady. Hot, sexy, kinky," he looked up at the huge video where Tifa was still writhing in ecstasy, "and ready for… action." He looked speculatively at he interviewer. "Hey, give me her name and how to contact her and I'll give you a thousand gil."

The interviewer laughed and the scene switched to a group of young people all looking up toward the video. The interviewer stepped up to them and they all turned.

"Hey there, tell me, what do you think of the video?" The interviewer smiled as he stuffed his microphone under a young man's nose.

The guy looked bored. "Hey, I've seen worse. Ya know there are some pretty good skanks down in Sector Five, but I haven't seen her."

A young woman shook her head. "I think I saw her, but didn't she run a whore house in Sector Seven? What was it called Seventh Heaven?"

A tall guy standing next to her nodded. "It's like those snuff picts on the net. Man, she's one fucked up bitch."

Tifa stood choking, watching the monitor as the interview progressively got worse. Mitch and Mindy smiled sunnily at her side as the group ripped Tifa to shreds. When the interviewer finally turned to the camera and gave a philosophical shrug and a smirk, Mindy dramatically pinched her nose, tossing her head back as if she was in pain.

Mitch sighed. "You seem to have had this problem a long, long time."

"Well Tifa, let's get to work." The two fashionistas chimed together as they pulled her out of the room towards her quarters.

"Let's look at your wardrobe." Mindy breezed into Tifa's closet. "My oh my, you don't have a lot of clothes do you."

"Most of my stuff got buried when Sector Seven's plate crushed everything." Tifa mumbled as Mitch started pawing through her things. "The only time I've had to shop was when we were in Kalm."

"Well, Tifa, one of the things we're going to do to help you on the path to releasing the inner you, is to give you a ten thousand gil shopping spree in beautiful Midgar." Mindy smiled as she emerged from Tifa's closet holding all of Tifa's identical white, tiny shirts.

"Beautiful Midgar?" Tifa futility tried to snatch a shirt from Mindy, but Mitch held her back. "Is there another Midgar I don't know about?"

Mindy smiled as she tossed Tifa's clothes into the incinerator chute that doubled as the trash receptacle. "But first, as they say, out with the old, so we can make room for the new."

"There was plenty of room." Tifa wailed as her all shorts followed, leaving her with nothing but the clothes she was wearing.

"Now off we go to Midgar."

0.0

Yuffie looked cautiously around. "Hey guys, I think they've left."

Cid, Nanaki, and Vincent stepped into the meeting room and settled into seats. Aeris, holding a set of keys followed them in. They all settled around the meeting table, Cid stretching into his chair and setting a cup of tea on the table.

"Well, that didn't go too badly." Aeris jingled the keys under the table.

"I did what you wanted." Cloud desperately wiggled over to her, "Please let me go."

"I doubt this will be the end of this." Vincent tapped the table with one metal claw.

"Yes, she did look a bit put out." Cait Sith and his mog came into the room. "You better get yourself a protective cup or something boyo," the toysaurus nodded to Cid. "Or your privates are in danger of being forcefully removed from your body."

The pilot shrugged. "She'll calm down. Once they give her new duds, she'll be happy she got chosen."

"No. I don't think so." Vincent frowned slightly.

Aeris, unlocking Cloud's pink cuffs nodded, "Vincent is probably right. She is going to be irritated."

"Hell, it couldn't be worse than what we've already been going through." Cid sat back puffing on his cigarette.

"This is the man with the stress relieving cigarettes." Nanaki hopped onto a seat eyeing Cid.

"Hey, the guy in Wutai said they were made of all natural herbs and shit." Cid puffed. "It's supposed to be good for me."

"They say that about everything." Yuffie snorted, "If you listen to them, getting drunk off your ass is good for you."

Cid puffed contentedly, "Ya gotta love Wutai."

"Well, I suppose if it's all natural..." Aeris gently pulled Cloud out from under the table, tossing the pink bondage gear to the side.

"What do you think she's going to do" The blond asked rubbing his newly freed wrists. "She really looked ticked about the perfume."

"Ah, I wouldn't have really done it." Cid smiled around his healthy cigarette. "Would have had to smell them, and listen to her bitching. This way I only have to listen to her bitch."

"Maybe we should infiltrate Sephiroth's camp." Barret huddled in his chair, at least as much as a huge man sitting in a tiny chair could huddle. "If Tifa comes for us, then we just run behind Sephiroth and all our problems are solved."

"Sephiroth's mine." Cloud glared at Barret. "He…he…"

"Is just so damn sexy." Yuffie supplied.

"WHAT!" Cloud jumped, looking a bit wild eyed and trying to fight down a blush. "He…he's a monster…he burned down my home…and he…uh…"

"Looks great in black leather." Cid smiled as he blew a smoke ring.

Cloud warked like a chocobo and turned bright red.

Aeris tucked the keys away and gave Cid a stern look. "We are supposed to be discussing the fall out of Tifa's ten minutes of fame, and how we are supposed to deflect some of the resulting chaos."

"Sephiroth." Barret mumbled. "I say we go infiltrate Sephiroth's camp. She won't look for us there."

"We could say Jenova made us do it." Nanaki nibbled on one paw nervously.

Vincent shook his head leaning back in his chair. "Just admit it and get it over with."

"You laddie can go back to your nice comfortable coffin till this all blows over," Cait Sith purred. "We all need an escape plan."

"And you are sitting nice and cozy in Midgar." Yuffie grumbled.

"True. True." Cait Sith gave her a small smile. "And guess where our bouncing lass is heading toward at this very moment."

"Tseng will protect you." Vincent shrugged.

"Tseng is still a wee bit irritated about having to do Reno's paperwork since you all put the lad in the hospital." Cait Sith sighed. "I'd bet that if the bounteous Tifa giggled her way in here, he'd find something right quick to be busy with so he wouldn't officially notice my being pounded into the subbasement."

"I'm telling you. Let's go throw our selves on Sephiroth's mercy." Barret scrunched down in his chair trying to look small.

"Spike will like that, but I doubt it will be Sephiroth's mercy he throws himself at." Yuffie snickered then ducked as Cloud tried to wallop her.

"We could always tell her the truth." Aeris tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "That we thought she should take some time to take care of herself instead of taking care of us."

"What the fuck does that have to do with the truth?" Cid frowned. "We set her up so we wouldn't keep getting the shit beaten out of us every time we saw her wiggle out of her clothes in ecstasy after a fight."

Cloud crossed his arms glaring around the table. "I saw nothing wrong with Tifa enjoying herself."

"Yes. We noticed you seeing nothing wrong." Vincent tucked his chin down against his chest, hiding most of his face behind his high collar.

"So our options are: throwing ourselves on Sephiroth's mercy, telling Tifa Jenova made us do it, telling her we did it because we wanted her to be happy, or telling her the truth and then hiding in a coffin." Nanaki said nodding to each person as the listed their ideas. "Should we vote?"

"Considering the two hosts want us to stand around and oohh and aaaww over Tifa's redone appearance, I vote for Aeris's idea of we wanted her to be happy." Yuffie raised her hand.

After a moment Vincent's hand joined hers. "I agree."

"I'm seeing a few bonuses for the Sephiroth idea." Cid crushed out his cigarette.

Barret nodded. "It's got real possibilities. And if she actually gets through Sephiroth, we can then claim that Jenova made us set her up."

"The problem is finding Sephiroth." Cloud sighed. "Every time we catch up to him he disappears right away."

"Long distance relationships are tough." Nanaki murmured.

"What!"

"Why don't we see how things are going in Midgar, then decide which course is best." Aeris stood up. "They say they will keep her a few days to do the shopping, styling, and make up."

The rest got up, nodded, and shuffled out the door. Aeris bent down and picked up the restraints and with a fond smile handed them to Cloud.

"Here, you keep these. If the Sephiroth plan comes through, remember you look cute in pink." She said with a tiny wicked smile before darting out of the room.

-.-

Mitch and Mindy, back in the café, sat at a small table sipping cups of steaming liquid. Behind them a monitor showed a high class shopping district, where people dressed in thick clothing were hurrying through a torrential rain storm. Wind wildly whipped down the street, plastering the few unlucky pedestrians with damp trash and muddy water.

"Well today Tifa is going to head out to replace her old, barely there wardrobe for a new, updated look." Mindy snuggled into her cashmere sweater with a sparkly smile.

"But first, let's look at some of the laws we laid down for our fashion felon." Mitch waved his hand toward the monitor.

Onscreen, Tifa, Mitch and Mindy all stood around a mannequin that was dressed in a day-glow orange jacket, a lime green button down shirt, hot pink capris, and a yellow camisole. A stylish white and green purse with a half million gold bangles dangled from the mannequin's shoulder and tiny pointy toe yellow flats sat next to its feet. Tifa gawped at the mannequin then quickly shook her head.

"No. There is no way in the seven hells…" Tifa backed away.

"Now Tifa, you came to us for help." Mitch smiled fingering the purse lovingly, accidentally cutting his finger on one of the bangles.

"I did not. You ambushed me and my ex-friends blackmailed me into this." Tifa growled.

Mindy smiled, "This outfit is what I call the hero-on-the-go look."

"It looks more like psychotic-in-need-of-medicine to me." Tifa shuddered.

Mitch stroked the orange jacket. "See how high this jacket buttons? That will tame those wild horses or yours, and the tailoring around the lower chest and waist will create the illusion of an hour glass figure."

"Wild horses…" Tifa choked.

"We also selected some vibrant colors for you." Mindy fingered the lime green shirt. "Your old wardrobe was rather monochromatic, so we chose to put a little pizzazz in your life."

"And your shoes." Mitch put his hand dramatically to his chest. "No one wears combat boots anymore."

"If they ever did." Mandy sniffed.

"You might want to notice that I'm in combat a lot." Tifa grumbled staring at the pointy yellow shoes.

"We want you to find shoes that are practical, but stylish." Mitch bent to pet the shoes lovingly.

"Practical? Stylish? They look like demented elf shoes." Tifa grimaced as Mitch picked up the shoes and held them out to her. "I'm in combat, so combat boots **are** practical."

"Tifa, Tifa, Tifa." Mindy shook her head. "These will accentuate your legs, and give those meaty calves of yours a bit more length."

Tifa looked down at her legs uncertainly. "Meaty?"

Mitch gave the mannequin a quick shove and it rolled off screen. Another mannequin careened wildly into place. This one was dressed in a bright red wool coat, sky blue pants, and a paisley shirt of rainbow colors. On its feet were bright red pointy shoes. Tifa shielded her eyes, wishing she still owned a pair of sunglasses. The last pair got chewed on by Nanaki.

"This is more of a business look." Mindy smoothed her hand over the sleeve of the coat. "It's colorful, yet gives that finished appearance."

"Note the tailoring in the waist of the jacket." Mitch pinched the cloth of the jacket. "Again, it gives the illusion of a slender hourglass figure."

"Illusion?" Tifa wrapped her arms around her waist.

"You do have an unfortunate body type, in that you carry all your weight around your hips, but with careful tailoring and selection, you can disguise this problem." Mindy pointed to the paisley shirt. "The combination of a plain coat and a patterned shirt draws the eye away from any figure faults and interests it with lively pattern instead."

Mitch held up the red shoes. "These will give the outfit a perfect finish."

"Did you steal those from a girl named Dorothy?" Tifa eyed the gleaming shoes carefully.

Mindy ignored her and gave the mannequin a quick shove. "Finally, we have the out on the town look."

A new mannequin rolled in, nearly slamming into Tifa, who hopped quickly out of the way. This one was dressed in a purple halter dress with gold beading so heavy it would double as body armor, and pointy toed purple shoes.

"Note the high waist line of the dress." Mitch sighed, batting his eyes coyly at the mannequin. "This deemphasizes your waistline, while at the same time gives your bust the support it has obviously not been getting."

"What do you mean?" Tifa blinked down at her two best friends.

"Tell me, when was the last time you had a good bra fitting." Mindy eyed Tifa's anatomy. "Without proper support, gravity does take a toll on a woman's figure."

Tifa blushed and looked down at her feet. "My mom took me when I turned thirteen."

"Thirteen!" Mindy gasped, reeling. "No wonder you're having so many problems."

"Remember, when wearing a dress like this, you need to buy one with a built in bra." Mitch nudged a bit of the halter top aside showing a thick, stiff like undergarment. "While we can't undo the damage that has been done, at least not without surgery, we can minimize how much of it shows to the general public."

"Surgery?" Tifa looked tearfully down at her best buddies.

"Remember the high waist line too." Mandy drew a handful of voluminous fabric away from the mannequin. "A dress like this is sure to cover a multitude of sins."

Tifa nodded dully. "Hide."

The screen behind Mitch and Mindy went back to the street scene and the two turned to grin at the camera.

"Now, let's see if she has taken our advice." Mitch sipped his hot drink.

Mindy smiled happily cuddling into her seat. "We will stay here and keep an eye on our fashion convict.."

The screen again shifted and Tifa came into view trudging down the street, dressed in a clichéd outfit of vertical black and white stripes. A small striped hat perched on her head, held in place by a thin black elastic that looped under her chin. She held her jacket closed with one hand and shielding her eyes with the other, as sleet started pounding down around her, stumbled her way into a store.

"Welcome to BustenHalter!" A heavy voice boomed as Tifa shivered and dripped in the front entrance. "Where you walk in a girl and leave a WOMAN!"

Tifa glanced around the shop then stopped frozen in horror as Hedriger waddled through the racks of lacy underwear followed by a cringing Tseng. The camera crew zoomed in closer as Hedriger wrapped a meaty arm around the still frozen Tifa. "I knew I'd see you in here soon." He gestured around the shop then eyed Tifa's chest appraisingly. "I saw those girls drooping on the ship and said to myself, now there's a pair that need to perk up."

Tifa whimpered. "I'm in hell. I know I'm in hell."

"You want new bras, well you've come to the right place!" Hedriger gave her a comforting squeeze. "And I must say, we need to find something to correct that…um…gravity problem you're having." He turned to Tseng clapping his hands and rubbing them together briskly. "To work!"

Tifa and Tseng stood transfixed in horrified fascination and watched as Hedriger moved through the stacks of brightly colored silk lingerie decorated with tiny silk flowers, coy bows, and delicate lace, plucking a few select things off each rack. "I have just the things for you." He held up a set of heavy duty, grayish bras that looked like they were made from Kevlar. "Why don't you go try them on? Tseng, show her to the dressing rooms!"

Tseng bowed his head and trudged toward the back of the store muttering, "Follow me. Try not to trip over my self-esteem."

Hedriger followed them into the back, holding the body armor masquerading as lingerie over his head like a royal offering. When they came to the dressing rooms, he handed them over to Tifa with a cheery smile. "Just call if you need me!"

Tifa snarled silently, then stomped her way towards the curtain. The camera crew trailed her.

"You!" Tifa rounded on them. "Stay out!"

A voice from behind the camera smirked, "We are supposed to film you trying on all clothing."

Tifa looked at them steadily for a moment, smiled sharkily, then reached out. The camera went black.

Mitch and Mandy, back in their cozy coffee shop, turned and blinked at each other, then turned and blinked at the camera.

"Well, I suppose every girl deserves some privacy." Mitch sighed waving one hand elegantly.

Mandy dramatically pinched the bridge of her nose. "And here things were working out so well."

The camera came back on revealing one of the camera crew sprawled out under a rack of pink underwear. The camera angle was from low on the floor, with a few scraps of lace edging the top of the camera's frame, pointing up toward where Tifa was standing in front of a mirror now dressed in one of the bras. Tseng was sitting on a lace covered stool nearby hiding his face in his hands and shaking his head.

"Please, please, if you possibly can. Point to where Sephiroth is so I can die now." Tseng sobbed. "You can keep the black materia. I just want to die with some shred of dignity."

Tifa ignored him turning this way and that to see herself in the mirror. "Well, I suppose the up side to this," Tifa grimaced at the thick heavy fabric, "is that I'll have another layer of protection from body attacks."

Hedriger sailed into view, inspecting Tifa carefully. He reached over and tugged at Tifa's bra straps. "You need to tighten those a bit more." He smiled brightly. "Gotta make up for time and gravity!"

Tifa yelped and jumped aside, "Leave off." She looked down at her body. "And they aren't drooping!"

"Of course not." Hedriger cooed and turned away rolling his eyes.

"And I'm not that old!" Tifa called at his back. "I'm only nineteen!"

Hedriger turned giving Tifa a horrified look. "OH MY!" He rushed over and hugged Tifa, "You're too young to look so…so…skanky." He sobbed. "You must have led such a hard life! No wonder you took up with that bunch of hooligans. Poor, poor child."

Tifa tried to peel him off. "What!"

"I'll do everything in my power to…" Hedriger stepped back, holding Tifa at arms length and looking tearfully into her eyes, "…restore your lost innocence." He broke down and started sobbing again. "Oh, you poor, poor…"

Tifa thrashed, trying to break free, but found that Hedriger was freakishly strong. "I'm not a poor, poor anything! Get off! Get off!"

"…I won't rest till you are restored to youth and beauty." He cried, petting Tifa's hair.

Tifa moaned, looked around and found the camera pointing at her. Her mouth fell open. "You broadcast that! I'm being shown around the planet dressed in an industrial strength bra being fondled by Hedriger!"

The camera quivered.

Tifa's eyes narrowed into a look of death as her voice dropped into a low growl. "Start running…"

0o0

After her exciting day of shopping. Tifa lugged her new wardrobe into the café where Mitch and Mindy sat sipping their espressos. Vengefully, Tifa came over and dripped soggily onto Mindy's perfect hair. Mindy yelped and cowered behind Mitch.

Mitch scurried back before he could be dripped on too. "Welcome back! Now is the time you've probably been waiting for!" He paused a moment for effect. "We send you to the…Trauma Unit! Where they will help peel years off your tired visage."

Mindy, scowling at Tifa, and trying to pat her hair back into place, gave the camera a snarling smile. "A day of pampering by our experts. What could be more relaxing?"

Mitch swirled around and brushed a as of yet unseen curtain aside. "In you go, our budding beauty, and we'll see you soon."

Tifa eyed the dark dismal passage that lead down into the basement of the café. "You want me down there?"

"Oh, don't worry. The Trauma Unit will take goooood care of you." Mindy laughed scarily. "Hurry along now. They're waiting!"

With a despairing backwards glance, Tifa descended into the basement, as if journeying into the bowels of hell. The hall twisted and turned downward, till only a dim glow in the distance was all the light left, except for the camera lights behind her. The glow turned out to be coming from under a doorway. She paused a moment, looked back at the camera crew and then pressed forward bravely.

"It can't be as bad as the materia mine. It can't be as bad as the spider thingy. It can't be as bad as…." She looked up and screamed, "Noooooo!"

"I do wish you wouldn't yell like that," Hojo sighed, blinking at her. "My nerves aren't as strong as they used to be." He stood up and walked over to her. "Well, it seems you're the lucky girl who's going to get a facial."

"Aaaaagggghhhhh!"

Hojo rubbed his temple. "They say I have to show you some scientifically age progressed pictures of what you will look like in a few years without my scientific expertise to halt all aging." He pulled a couple of pictures from his pocket. "Now, here is what you will look like in… oh, eight years."

Tifa glanced at the picture. "Oh, hey that isn't bad." She preened. "Actually, I look damn hot!"

Hojo pulled out another one. "This is what you will look like in eight years with my help."

"Aaaaaaaagggghhhhhh! I have green skin! Green skin! And ohmygod, what is with my hair…Is it still hair…ohmygod, I can't tell! And my skin, my green skin, it looks…." Tifa backpedaled away from the picture.

Hojo blandly turned the picture around. "Oh, don't be like that. It's just a transitional phase. In thirty years you'll look like this." He held out another picture.

Tifa blinked. She was beautiful in that picture. Her hair was long and lustrous, her eyes deep and mysterious, her lips, skin, and bone structure luminously beautiful. She looked like she was, at most, eighteen years old. Her self at fifty looked….transcendent.

Hojo nodded. "True immortality. My life's work. If you don't think I'm qualified, may I point out Mr. Valentine? Before I got a hold of him, he was a pencil neck geek –there was a reason you know why my dearest Lucretia wouldn't date him- now he's a god amongst men!" He waved a triumphant finger towards the ceiling.

Tifa shook her head, backing away. "If this is so great, why are you still a gnome?"

Hojo's eye twitched. "A gnome?" He looked evilly at Tifa and then he looked speculatively at the camera crew. The camera quivered. Then the worst thing Tifa had ever dreamed of happened, he grinned. "It doesn't matter, my dear." His grin became bigger. "Now come along…It's time for your facial."

"Aaaaaggggghhhhh!"

"Okay, we have the story straight?" Yuffie looked around nervously.

Cid puffed a ring of smoke into the air casually. "Yep. We wanted her to be happy. If she doesn't believe us we start shrieking about "Mother" and run for the hills babbling about being late to the reunion."

Barret nodded, "Got it."

"If you don't mind, I'll head back to the coffin now and miss the stampede." Vincent started edging away. "You're all welcome to come."

"Just hold up there buckaroo." Cid grabbed him. "If I've got to have my family treasures ground into paste, so do you." He looked over to Barret and Nanaki. "Guys, you all remembered to wear cups didn't you?"

Barret, Vincent, and Nanaki all nodded, causing Aeris to raise an eyebrow. "I didn't know you could wear a protective cup Nanaki."

The fire wolf looked around nervously then bit his whiskers, the flame on his tail glowing brighter. Aeris frowned then noticed the thick bands of white elastic around Nanaki's rear legs and back.

Nanaki coughed delicately. "Cid let me borrow one of his."

"Oh." The flower girl looked away. She suddenly frowned, looking around more carefully. "Where's Cloud?"

Yuffie looked around too. "I thought he was right here…"

"The kid took off to "do some recognizance" this morning." Cid puffed on his cigarette. "Funny though. Borrowed a bottle of lube from me before he left."

"What are you doin' with lube?" Yuffie grinned.

Cid snorted, "What do you think I do with it? Hmmmm?"

Yuffie looked pointedly at Vincent, who glowered back.

Vincent's voice was barely above a whisper. "I am not part of Cid's plan to pollinate the Planet with chain smoking, foul mouthed blonds."

"Gotta have a hobby." Cid smiled, puffing contentedly.

Aeris nodded toward where Mitch and Mindy were stepping out into the courtyard where they were waiting for Tifa's unveiling. "I think it's time."

"Where's Cait?" Yuffie bounced looking around.

"Claimed he needed repairs." Vincent murmured. "Ran about an hour ago."

Aeris shook her head. "Oh well, too bad. He's going to miss it." She smiled happily. "I bet Tifa's going to be beautiful."

"I bet Tifa is going to castrate us, skin us alive then rivet our bleeding corpses to the side of the Highwind." Barret shuddered, looking doomed.

The camera crew, looking a bit oozy, and leaving bits of themselves behind them as they staggered into the courtyard, started setting up the equipment. Mitch and Mindy preened. AVALANCH jittered.

"I don't suppose the Turks might attack?" Nanaki sounded hopeful. "We are, after all, in the middle of Midgar." As no one seemed to think it likely, his voice got a bit desperate. "We are felons! With death warrants on us! They just might…"

Vincent shook his head. "Word is Tseng had to go to Costa Del Sol. Something about screaming and cowering when a stripper tossed her bra to him. Rufus and the other Turks went with him."

Nanaki slumped.

"Sssshhh." Aeris stood up on her toes excitedly trying to look towards the door Tifa would come out of. "It's time."

Mitch and Mindy, carefully not stepping on the abandoned parts of the camera crew brushed their hair back one last time, straightened their uniforms, and grinned into the camera. "It's time, folks! Any moment now, our fashion fugitive is going to finally show her new look."

AVALANCH shifted nervously around.

"Steady, steady. Just remember we all yell Mother made us do it, then high tail it out of here and we're in Nibelhiem in hours." Cid tossed his cigarette down and fumbled for another. "I got those new coffins all set and ready, and the reinforced door to the crypt can hold out that fuckin' Emerald Weapon."

"Hush." Aeris beamed. "Here she comes."

Tifa toddled out the door in a dress of gold lamee, electric blue high heel shoes with long pointy toes, and a neon green purse big enough to hold Cloud's Buster Sword. She smiled woozily at Mitch and Mindy, who went into throws of fake admiration and shock.

"Oh wow! You look terif!" Mindy swooned.

Mitch swooned dramatically, "Can this really be Tifa?"

Tifa wobbled over to them, her hair swirling around her shoulders. "That's me."

Yuffie leaned over and whispered worriedly to Vincent. "Did her hair just move all by itself?"

Vincent nodded.

"Ooooh, isn't this dress THE most gorgeous dress in the universe!" Mindy yodeled. "It's absolutely killer!"

"Uhhh, guys?" Barret tried to shrink behind Yuffie. "Did anyone but me notice Tifa's got fangs?"

"Maybe it's the new fashion." Aeris whispered.

"And those shoes." Mitch went into fake raptures.

One of the camera men fell over and started twitching as he slowly started melting into a puddle of green slime. Tifa smiled down at him as Mindy patted her skirt cooing about flaring hem lines and swishing the fabric around.

"Are her eyes glowing?" Cid glanced down at Nanaki who nodded back. "Okay, just checking."

AVALANCH took a step back as Mitch and Mindy turned to them. "Now it's time for your friends to have their say!"

Aeris smiled, "You look beautiful Tifa." She stepped forward, but was held back by a terrified Yuffie as Tifa casually ripped the arm off one of the camera crew and started nibbling on it. The crew member didn't seem to mind, and kept filming. AVALANCH took another step back.

"Uhhh, we…aahhh…" Cid dropped his cigarette and crushed it out. "Ya look…good Tif' and we hope you…"

"Won't eat us." Yuffie yelped and dove behind Vincent.

Nanaki nodded, "We think you're a wonderful person Tifa and we hope you realize…"

"We're not edible." Yuffie called from behind Vincent.

Barret flinched, looked wildly around, looked at Tifa, who was standing chewing on the crewman's elbow then ran. "The reunion! I'm going to be late. Coming Mother!"

The rest of AVALANCH was at his heels.

"Mother!"

"Meteor!"

"Reunion here we come!"

"Faster! She's gaining!"

"Mommy!"

"My cup!"


End file.
